Am I Good Enough?

I don’t even know where I am going with this. lol. I just know that it is in my words that I find my truth. That I can explore my deepest fears, hopes, insecurities, dreams, and then find inspiration.

It started when the album was complete. I had just written a full blog about “believing” and then was ransacked with doubts (OF COURSE). They hit me so hard I just wanted to crawl into my bed and cry. All my money was spent making my album happen. No job. Some consultant work on the side. Frustration hit.

WHAT THE F*CK AM I DOING?!?

In that moment of insanity I challenged my mission. I negated my potential. I dismissed my own greatness. My gurl Reza was trying to talk me off the ledge (like we do for eachother in those moments lol). She was able to stop me from going into Butler. I then wrote this email to my other girlfriend and spiritual confidant Tiger Lilly:

***
“Comparisons, delusion, finances as I have spent more time working on my art than looking for a job! Lets start there.LOL.

I “know” it is the turbulence as the plane takes off. But do i KNOW that it is the turbulence as the plane takes off? Do I UNDER or (OVER) stand. My REALITY and Wisdom are not matching. A million people say your are great- that ur presence is like no other when I hit that stage…you cannot hear it. Your “stats” tell you otherwise. “followers” not to be found. You do not feel energized when you are done with your set but burdened and tired.

“could I be this great? Is my mission this profound that the demons are trying to stop me this much? Noooooo.Couldnt be.” And there is the evil twin. I am trying to stop the demons from tearing down my house instead of fixing them some tea đŸ™‚ Sayin “Hey yall- we have had this conversation before. Now lets work thru it. Sugar or honey?”

Am I too old?
Am I unrealistic?
Maybe I DO NEED AUTOTUNES!

OH SHIT…
Ok NEVER that bad….YET. hahhaahahah.
******End****

Oh Yeah Yall- Its Bad.

But I am working through it because I HAVE TO. Because this is the moment that can create a way or shut it down. Because at the end of the day we all begin to wonder “am I good enough?” “Is it EVER going to BE ENOUGH.” And if you don’t- Good for you. WHATEVER. LOL.

I went to my women’s Buddhist retreat and we all shared our doubts in faith- Also known as your DOUBT IN SELF. It is a beast that can take your spirit hostage and allow fear to create an inertia that makes it impossible to move forward. As we shared, it all came back to the things I posted in “Do You Believe” as I confronted myself once more with this question. The answer came back a defeated NO. So I cried. I cried because I could not move on from my mistakes and forgive myself. I cried because the wolves of judgment were fast on my heels. I cried because I felt hopeless. I cried because I couldn’t see my greatness. I cried because (to borrow the words of Lady Bug Mecca) I had to release the fears…

And now I recall an article that talked about Gandhi in which they asked him who his 3 greatest enemies were. At the top of the list, he stated, was GANDHI.

WE ARE OUR OWN GREATEST ENEMY. Like I say in my track “The Confrontation” (adapted from Black Star’s Thieves in the night) WE ARE OUR OWN THIEVES IN THE NIGHT.

Is the inner turmoil resolved? HARDLY. Am I going to let it defeat me: NEVER. Sometimes you need the time for your pity party. Or time for the “breakdown to breakthrough.” But it is not in the moment that you fall (or in my case crumble to the kitchen floor)- it is in the moment that those tears water your soul to be able to rise. TO BE THE LOTUS THRU THE MUCK.

I chant to REALLY KNOW MY PATH. I chant to REALLY UNDERSTAND MY MISSION. I chant once more TO BELIEVE.

So where am I going with this? I think I know now: I write this so that you remember that it is a process. I have said before “Growth is a journey- not a destination.” I write this so that when you hear the album you know that it comes from someone who is SO UNBELIEVABLY HUMAN sometimes it is downright sickening (lol) or INSPIRING. But more importantly, I write this to help us all remember that you do not just ARRIVE. Like the ocean, we come to the shore and then recede. In the meantime you have faith. You gain patience. And you remember that “this too shall pass.”

To end: I spoke with my mother today and she shared with me a quote from my father who passed on sometime ago. I would like to share it with you:

“Whatever state you find yourself, therein rests content- Because it will not last forever and YOU WILL MOVE ON.”
Thanks Dad.


So Yeah. We are good enough. We always were. Its just that WE need to BELIEVE IT. So Back to the drawing board đŸ˜‰

Thanks for listening.

Hope and Triumph,
5th
www.5thelament.com

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One Response to “Am I Good Enough?”

  1. Monsurat September 19, 2010 at 2:38 pm #

    That’s wassup. Glad to hear u working through it. Much love

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